Day 16 – an unexpected treasure

Day 16 – time really flies when you’re having fun, or, in my case, a lot to reflect on and even brave the odd challenges along the way. I got up ok, determined to avoid another binge watching incident. I did, what I (now) always do in a situation like this: write a new blog entry (I am still behind!). What followed afterwards was a matter of hours, I kid you not and I will also spare you the technical details, but I managed to salvage some of my lost data. It’s magic! Not really, I used a software, and thankfully, it almost did, what it was supposed to do. I will have to look at each file and reorganise it (400 gb, no biggie), but not now, this task won’t run away. Relatively proud, I walked away from the pc after salvaging a few files, without spending even more hours to organise and browse through everything. Why bother with a gruesome task, when there is so much more to do.

In my case, that was risking another gruesome challenge. I sat down, trying to identify why I didn’t feel as good in the city, as I hoped. It could have been way worse, but also, a bit better. After the excitement of the first few days (home improvement – I definitely need more excitement in my life), I felt like spiraling down, without any means of stopping it. The energy was down, the mood was down, the lust for exploring anything was gone, I went to the great outdoors only three times in three weeks, I didn’t sleep as well, I made myself a smoothie only once (once – in three weeks, when it previously was a daily thing), I felt exhausted once again, desperate, sad and depressed at times. Even though I had my little book full of challenges, things to do, places to visit and so on, I never even picked it up anymore, everything seemed too hard, too much effort and to scary. Time to meditate on that. Without the actual meditating – laying down on the sofa serves me just as well.

Some people may find an epiphany through meditating – I didn’t. But I compared my days on the countryside with my days in the city and realized a few things. The city, my own flat, my friends, my love, my family distracted me a bit. A distraction I don’t have at the countryside as much. That’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I went to the city as some kind of holiday and trying out new things, to reconnect with my loved ones and that’s what I did, mostly. I meant, that having these many distractions and temptations at once, is still too overwhelming for me. It showed me, that I am not ready yet, to throw myself into the hectic life. I am not yet as well as I can and will be and I am not able yet to look after my own needs in a more hectic surrounding. I still need the quiet and alone time to be able to put myself first. I still lack interests, stuff to do, things that keep me busy. In those moments, when I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do and I looked for comfort in what I knew to have worked in the past, to silence the inner nagging voice: improving the flat, cleaning, organising, watching tv, playing games. Basically doing and thinking about anything else, than me. I didn’t actually watch tv or played a game, but the temptation was there. It could have been so easy to just let it all slide and retreat to a world without challenges, without having to work on myself. There’s a few things I can’t quite put my finger on. I get up more easily at the country side. It’s easier for me to make a smoothie, have a nice breakfast, to ready myself for the day, to go out, do some grocery shopping, to have a walk. That last one is no shocker, there is nature everywhere basically. I have more energy, at least it feels like it. I think in a way, I feel safer. Of course, spontaneously booking that yoga course or talking to people, really talking to people, is still a problem for me, even at the country side. If you, dearest readers, have any input for me on that matter, please, feel free to contact me privately or share here. Many brains think better than just one.

Still some work to do! I am looking forward to what it feels like at the end of the rainbow. I aim to think about my fulfilled desires, how it will feel, not the hard, rocky way to reach them. Feel free to remind me of that, sometimes.

Day 13 – You know, Bob, a company is like an enormous clock

After having stuffed my belly once more with a great breakfast at the hotel, we made our way to the train, that would lead us back to reality, back to the city. After almost 2 days of relaxing, eating, sleeping, swimming and reading, I felt tired. Not the exhausted kind, just silent, lost in thought and looking out of the window. Again, we’ve managed to spot hares, deer and a pheasant – yay! I apologized for being in-eloquent and tight-lipped to my love. That’s something I would like to learn in the next months, to not apologize for myself. I really mean it, when I apologize for anything. I don’t like that. I feel like I need to apologize, for just being myself that moment. It’s like making an excuse for not being as I think people want to see me that moment. For me it’s a symbol, that I am not yet appreciating who I am, that I am not claiming my space and accepting, that sometimes, it’s totally ok to be silent without people thinking that you are a complete lunatic and a selfish, self-absorbed ignoramus. The fresh air on the way back home cleared my mind and I felt awake and in the moment very soon. The moment I stepped through the door, I was presented with today’s challenge. I started to unpack the carry-on bag, loaded the washing machine, emptied all vanity cases (yes, cases, the man of the house grooms himself, much to my pleasure) and put everything back where it belonged. I had help, of course, don’t get the wrong idea. When my boyfriend then sat down to finish up with some work stuff before leaving tomorrow for a business trip, I still did not pause. I got us new sheets for the bed, hung the blankets out the window, shuffled through the wardrobe and dressers (which I previously had freshly organized and emptied of all unwanted stuff) looking for something to do, clean, organize. I wouldn’t have stopped there, but a friendly intervention of my love made me think. He told me that I was punishing myself for having dared to relax and be lazy for two days, that it was totally ok, to let the weekend end on a recreational note, instead of trying to make up for the time lost. He was quite spot on, although I didn’t see it like that, that moment. I even panicked a little, when I tried to figure out what to do now. Standing still makes me feel useless. As I was very behind on blog entries, I decided to post something. I just finished with the second entry, when I realized, that I had replaced cleaning, keeping busy and performing like a clockwork with frenetically writing down words, trying to write as many entries as possible. That’s when I really realized what was going on. That urge to prove myself, to achieve as much as possible, to work, work, work till its time to go to bed, is really a bitch to control. Sometimes it kicks in without me realizing, sometimes I realize it, but it makes me feel valuable, worthy, important, useful, loved and those emotions are equally hard to battle and to not give in into feeling appreciated. I turned the pc off, sat down and grabbed the nearest book. I am proud to report, that it was so suspenseful, that I didn’t stop, until I finished the last sentence. Even if that meant hours of reading, not preparing dinner and forgetting to drink my tea. Take that, urge to perform. In your face!