Day 14 – black monday

I am not really sure what to write. If you were looking for another day full of passed challenges, please come back tomorrow.

Day 14 was a slip. A kind of black day, best to be forgotten soon. It started well, I got up early to wave goodbye to my boyfriend, as he was going away for a 4-day work trip. Made my usual lemon water with honey to start the day and that’s where the up streak ends. I sat down on the sofa and wasn’t able to do anything. I never drank the lemon water and didn’t get up for ages. When desperation started to really kick in, I managed to retrieve my iPad. I thought I’d read a bit or browse. Instead I ended up watching tv shows. Without pause. Binge watching at its finest. Nothing wrong with a day of indulging in meaningless entertainment, you say? I’d agree, if it would’ve been fun to watch the whole day. I wasn’t having fun. Not really anyways. I watched, I didn’t even smile at jokes or cool scenes. As soon as one episode stopped, I started with the next one. And one after that one. I didn’t get up to get some water, or breakfast, lunch or dinner. I was angry at myself, for not at least enjoying a lazy day. I was angry for not looking after my needs. For not going out, proceeding with the good way I am on. For just not managing to break free of this pattern. A nice little spiral downwards, full of dark thoughts. Luckily, I fell asleep around midnight, and day 15 was a way better one.

Bare with me having had a bad day. I do, too. Mind you, I am writing this in a normal mood and after some nice days. I am not looking for sympathy here. I promised to write some kind of journal. In good and in bad days. Today the sun is shining again.

Day 4 – being alone, doesn’t mean being lonely

Today’s challenge seemed easy, was easy, but is quite a fundamental one for me.

“One is the loneliest number.” I really used to agree with that. I would wait with going out, doing things, starting projects, even food shopping, cooking or cleaning, until anyone would go with me, do the errant with me. Sharing is a beautiful thing, no doubt about that. I still prefer being together with my love instead of being alone. I still love doing things as a couple. But I do not depend on it anymore. During my time at the countryside I lived alone, mainly. I consider this as one of the hardest tests I have ever done. I didn’t fail the test. The first weeks were hard. Lots of knitting, staring at DVD’s, not being able to get up to get a glass of water, no drive to cook a nice meal, if it was only for myself, no strength to clean, shower or do anything really. And the gloomy mood, oh boy! I couldn’t stand myself like this. But after a while my I started doing things on my own. For myself. If I loved food shopping together, it surely couldn’t be so bad when doing it alone? It wasn’t. I had a great experience one day, when I asked a friend, if I could join her while food shopping at a quite exclusive shop. I usually would have grieved the whole time, thinking about my love and how bad it is, to be doing it alone now. None of these thoughts occurred. I really, really enjoyed myself alone, with a friend. The best thing was, that she told me afterwards, how much she realized in that hour, how often she is sad, when she doesn’t share things with her sweetheart, and what a pity that was, since she really enjoyed herself too, that day. And slowly, day by day, I enjoyed doing things on my own more and more. Up to one point where I actually thought “its nice to go on a walk together, but hell, I’d rather be outside alone right now”. That was a bit of a shocker. Time to do a little socializing!

Today I was still upset about my lost files and it took me hours to get up and start the day. Nevertheless, I was determined to go outside, to a home improvement center (my idea of a nightmare) to look at wall colours alone. As this is my idea of a nightmare, I naturally wasted a lot of time preparing breakfast, having a shower and making myself ready. When I was ready to leave the flat, it was almost time for my love to arrive back home. One year ago, I would have waited at home. I would have waited grumpy, and already way too exhausted to go through with the plan. Any minute of a delayed arrived would further challenge my mood and energy. And the trip would have been a disaster. I would have wanted to leave the horror place as soon as possible, without looking at things or being constructive in the slightest. I would have gotten angry at the mass of people. I would have hated every single minute of the journey there. It would have been a complete waste of our time.
I was tempted to wait but I saw the challenge through. I had set my mind on being as independent now as I was at the countryside and I didn’t want myself to get in my way. I went there, I browsed, I took some colour suggestions home, I didn’t get angry. I was very exhausted and tired after just 20 minutes though, but one thing at a time, right? It felt good nevertheless. I wanted to think about a new wall colour, so I went to get some inspiration. I didn’t need anyone to be the driving force, I didn’t need a helping hand. I totally count that as a huge success, even if it’s just going out alone, when I could have gone out with my love. I do believe, that this is also a huge relief for the people close to me, to know, they are not responsible to do the things I want, for me or with me. I will do my projects from now on, although I won’t ever say no to a helping hand. Double the fun!