Day 16 – an unexpected treasure

Day 16 – time really flies when you’re having fun, or, in my case, a lot to reflect on and even brave the odd challenges along the way. I got up ok, determined to avoid another binge watching incident. I did, what I (now) always do in a situation like this: write a new blog entry (I am still behind!). What followed afterwards was a matter of hours, I kid you not and I will also spare you the technical details, but I managed to salvage some of my lost data. It’s magic! Not really, I used a software, and thankfully, it almost did, what it was supposed to do. I will have to look at each file and reorganise it (400 gb, no biggie), but not now, this task won’t run away. Relatively proud, I walked away from the pc after salvaging a few files, without spending even more hours to organise and browse through everything. Why bother with a gruesome task, when there is so much more to do.

In my case, that was risking another gruesome challenge. I sat down, trying to identify why I didn’t feel as good in the city, as I hoped. It could have been way worse, but also, a bit better. After the excitement of the first few days (home improvement – I definitely need more excitement in my life), I felt like spiraling down, without any means of stopping it. The energy was down, the mood was down, the lust for exploring anything was gone, I went to the great outdoors only three times in three weeks, I didn’t sleep as well, I made myself a smoothie only once (once – in three weeks, when it previously was a daily thing), I felt exhausted once again, desperate, sad and depressed at times. Even though I had my little book full of challenges, things to do, places to visit and so on, I never even picked it up anymore, everything seemed too hard, too much effort and to scary. Time to meditate on that. Without the actual meditating – laying down on the sofa serves me just as well.

Some people may find an epiphany through meditating – I didn’t. But I compared my days on the countryside with my days in the city and realized a few things. The city, my own flat, my friends, my love, my family distracted me a bit. A distraction I don’t have at the countryside as much. That’s not a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I went to the city as some kind of holiday and trying out new things, to reconnect with my loved ones and that’s what I did, mostly. I meant, that having these many distractions and temptations at once, is still too overwhelming for me. It showed me, that I am not ready yet, to throw myself into the hectic life. I am not yet as well as I can and will be and I am not able yet to look after my own needs in a more hectic surrounding. I still need the quiet and alone time to be able to put myself first. I still lack interests, stuff to do, things that keep me busy. In those moments, when I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do and I looked for comfort in what I knew to have worked in the past, to silence the inner nagging voice: improving the flat, cleaning, organising, watching tv, playing games. Basically doing and thinking about anything else, than me. I didn’t actually watch tv or played a game, but the temptation was there. It could have been so easy to just let it all slide and retreat to a world without challenges, without having to work on myself. There’s a few things I can’t quite put my finger on. I get up more easily at the country side. It’s easier for me to make a smoothie, have a nice breakfast, to ready myself for the day, to go out, do some grocery shopping, to have a walk. That last one is no shocker, there is nature everywhere basically. I have more energy, at least it feels like it. I think in a way, I feel safer. Of course, spontaneously booking that yoga course or talking to people, really talking to people, is still a problem for me, even at the country side. If you, dearest readers, have any input for me on that matter, please, feel free to contact me privately or share here. Many brains think better than just one.

Still some work to do! I am looking forward to what it feels like at the end of the rainbow. I aim to think about my fulfilled desires, how it will feel, not the hard, rocky way to reach them. Feel free to remind me of that, sometimes.

Advertisements

Day 8 – is staying in really the new going out?

Yesterday was a bit of an up and down rollercoaster. I had made plans, thought of challenges the evening before and was determined to see them through. When I woke up, I sensed, that something was wrong. I slept way longer than usual, yet I felt incredibly tired and was unable to get up. It took me almost an hour, to put both my feet on the ground and to take a step. Not to worry, I said to myself, this is nothing, you didn’t sleep well, just go easy on yourself, you are not late for anything. Well, it didn’t get better. I felt frustrated, I tried to find out what it was, that has changed, since I arrived in the city. My usual drive, motivation, positivity, reliance, strength and relaxed manner seemed to have gone down, down, down since two weeks. That’s pretty unfair, don’t you think? I already had all of them again in my life, so what the hell is happening? I couldn’t find an answer and felt very sad, helpless and depressed, so I reached out to my therapist, whom I consider to be very wise and always really helpful. After our talk on the phone, I felt a bit better. It was already late in the afternoon and I was tempted, ooh, so tempted to just call it a day and stay comfortably at home. My inner chicken though, let me down. And so I gathered all my remaining confidence and courage and went outside.

Sunshine, warmth and spring welcomed me with open arms and I was very happy to have managed to leave my fortress of solitude. Instead of taking a long errant trip, I decided to just walk down a street and see what I’d find. Well, that is half a lie, actually. It was 4 pm already and I haven’t had a bite to eat yet. The girl of today knows what to do: google. You see, I had my mind half made up on the route, but then, fate intervened. I stumbled across a wall colour store – and went inside! Alone. With just half a plan and maybe a colour in mind. Half an hour later, with less money in my pockets and two really heavy bags to carry I stood outside the shop and marveled about what just happened. Not only did I go into a shop that was unbeknownst to me, I went there alone, spontaneously, I talked to the sales assistants (yes, plural, because one is not enough challenging and able to tell me what shade of grey looks warm or cold) and I even bought something. Without lamenting the loss of money or questioning my decision. (That’s no longer true, I am afraid, now that the colour is sitting in front of me, waiting to be applied to the wall, I dare not to open the lid. What if…!). And yet again, I changed my plan and went home directly to unload the bags. I still felt hungry, but in no mood, to cook something. I went outside again and sat down at a near restaurant. Alone, without my phone (it’s a trick you see, my phone works as a shield for me a lot of the times) and no occupation whatsoever. I had a small bite to eat, watched the sun go down and went home. Writing all of this down, just reminded me and showed me what a great challenge that day had been and how positive the outcome was. Thanks blog, thanks inner chicken – you made it work in the end. I didn’t do what I set out to do and I had no energy to move a muscle, let alone cook dinner, after that short afternoon, but it was fine. I was fine with it. I even was fine with me watching a couple of episodes of a tv show, because I had no energy for anything else. I bought a wall colour, had a drink and a falafel sandwich, what more do I want? It’s the little things on days like these that challenge me, and sometimes, its stuff, that used to be really easy for me in the past or was beginning to get easier for me in the last months. I am moving forward, nevertheless, one step at a time.

Day 6 – Sunday, Funday?

Yesterday’s challenge once more showed me what I can do already, and what is still hard or tempting for me.
It’s sunday. The flat is clean, sun is shining, no to-do’s, no commitments – time to unwind. Yours truly felt the hike from the day before a tiny little bit. I decided, that it was a good idea to stay at home, after a week of challenges and many outings. You, my dearest readers, might know me, the real me, so well by now, to realize, that a day without projects, may they be cooking, emptying the cupboard, reorganizing the shelves, planning or plotting anything really, is quite difficult for me. Mainly because I am still in the process of filling the gaps, that have been filled with work previous to the breakdown. You might want to call these gaps hobbies or socializing or going out or anything really. I never liked the word hobby. It sounds like hubby, another word I passionately hate, and for me is linked too much with stuff like model railways, remotely piloted aerial vehicles, embroidery circles or fishing. Brrrrrr. That’s not at all what I am talking about. Interests, however, is a word I can live with – not financially spoken, of course. Although…but that’s a story for another day. When depression slowly embraces you with its dark hug, you lose interest (great word, don’t you agree) in pretty much everything. Not even the basic instruments of survival, eating, drinking and sleeping, are of any interest anymore. That’s not a conscious choice, it happens, without realizing it. You basically don’t say yes to life anymore and everything that is linked with it. Activities are too exhausting, too challenging, too frightening and too useless. I got thirsty, as other people do, but in the worst days leading to and after the breakdown, answering to that primal need, meaning to get up and get a glass of water, was a task, that easily took me 2 hours, or more. It took a few years to get to that point, and in these years, I lost the ability to read, to take photographs, to listen to music, to join a yoga studio, sing in a choir, go out for drinks, kit a hat – you name it, I lost it.
I’ve improved greatly in this regard. Two weeks after christmas, I read my first book in about 4 years. I almost cried. Nonsense, I did cry. And then I started to quench my thirst for more by reading every book, that I got into my hands. Mostly detective stories, I’ve always loved them. And they don’t contain a whole lot of really heart-breaking stories, emotions or sadness – which is really, really good right now. High-five, inner book reading fanatic, we are back! I started to knit again, I cook, I bake, I read, I listen to music, not excessively and only light, easy-going soundtracks, but hey, music! Like books, music was THE part of my life for years. Losing that is like not being able to breathe but there is nothing you can’t do against it. I am grateful and really happy for all these great things, slowly finding their way back into my life.

So there I was, yesterday, without any challenges, jobs to do, or books to read (dumb mistake, I know). I was faced with a day of enduring silence, resisting the urge to keep myself with anything, saying hello to the thoughts, that try to convince me, that I am worthless, if I don’t do anything to justify my existence, if I don’t try to ease the life of those around me, even if they didn’t ask for it, if I don’t make up for imposing myself on someone by being absolutely welcoming, bringing gifts and being the beaming, bright self, that I am not these days. I keep busy, to avoid these lies depression tells me. Big challenge for me. A perfect sunday challenge. After sitting around a little hopeless, with nothing to do, I decided, that some indulgent hours in the bathtub were in order. You know, nothing fancy. Washing my hair, having a face mask, using some bath melts – normal stuff. My lovely friend from the other side of the world reminded me, how important it is, to spoil oneself and to allow someone to spoil yourself. Not an easy task, when your inside screams, that you aren’t worth it, that you don’t deserve to be spoiled, that there are much more important things to do, thoughts to have and plans to be made, that feeling better, relaxing for half an hour, is not something, that should happen to you. Depression wants your life to be misery. In the spirit of challenge, I told my inner voices to shut up and had a bath. Glorious! I would have been quite happy for it to have been my only challenge that day, but life offered me even more.

A friend with a balcony called, inviting myself and my love over to introduce the season of the balcony together. Even though this friend lives basically around the corner, I kid you not, it doesn’t take much more than 50 steps to get there, that’s not something I had intended on doing. Not for the long walk, obviously, or the company (what are you guys thinking!) but for the quite simple task of putting clothes on, making myself presentable and – imposing myself on people. Not to speak of the insecurity, that takes hold of me, when people’s eyes are on me, when I am expected to make conversation, when I should listen and show myself in the best light possible. (Fear not, this will be a thing of the past soon!). My love accepted the invitation, without giving my insecurity enough time to object and so there I was. It took me quite a while to get dressed and ready (hurrying up or being on time is still a struggle), but I went there and what can I say, I had a lovely afternoon. My friend’s sister, one of my closest friends, came over as well and we talked, chatted and even laughed! They both, actually all of you, my dear readers and friends, know about my journey and the state I am currently in, they both have accompanied me through the past year, and they are absolutely great about it. I felt accepted and loved, they were happy to see me, happy that I was there, happy to talk about whatever topic.

Even though, I don’t yet have a life filled with interests I really love doing (hell, I need to find out first, what they are!), I have really good friends. They may be few in number, but each one of them is worth at least 20 of the friends, other people have. I still have to go a long way, to get to know myself, to see who I really am, to accept my strengths and talents and to get really comfortable with myself and to say yes to life, with all its colours. And my friends help me a great deal with this, in their own different ways. I am extremely fortunate to have all of these amazing people in my life. (Although I still struggle to understand why they chose me, me of all people, to be their friend. Someone is going to kick my butt for that sentence.)